Chapter 8: A Journey to Remember

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The Child God Created

hat a delight it is to watch children grow, each one with their own way of doing things, each one with different likes and dislikes. Their playfulness coming through as they play with their food, usually making a mess in the process, and shuttering as they try eating something for the first time. As they grow year to year, the experiences they live become a part them. Each child, distinctly different from the other, each one displaying traits early on that you will see in them for the rest of their lives. As the years go by these same traits develop as the child’s personality develops. The faces they make, the gestures made when they do not like the taste of something and the sounds they make as they experience life all started when they were very young. Cherish these memories and take lots of photos because these years will pass quickly.

            Each child is a special creation with passions and thought patterns that will propel them through life as they use their unique talents, personality, and behavioral traits to make their mark in the world. It is our responsibility as parents to identify and nurture these gifts in each child; to treat them as unique creations so you reinforce the very traits God endowed them with when He designed them.

            Observe likes and dislikes, pay attention to what your children play with, what types of toys they migrate to. Check out their social skills early on. Are they content to be alone, or do they seek others to play with? When you detect certain patterns, feed them more of the same and watch the results as they flourish. If they migrate toward balls and other sports-type toys see how they react when you give them a football or a soccer ball for the first time. If they are fascinated by puzzles or other thinking toys give them more of them. As you help them develop the traits they tend to migrate to, you will reinforce the traits God endowed them with. As you watch them grow in every area of life you will start to see talents, patterns of preference, passion, thought and social skills developing. These traits are all early signs of a child’s personal profile, which will continue to develop over the course of their lives.

Reinforcing Traits and Celebrating Differences.

Our daughter Rachel loves to help people enjoy themselves. As early as age five Theresa and I could see patterns develop in Rachel which, as it turns out, were the foundations of what have now become a passion to learn what people need, and do what she can to make them happy. We observed these patterns in her playtime when she was alone with her dolls and when she was with her cousins and friends.

This next statement is important, so don’t miss this. It is not that we knew what the patterns were or what they would develop into, the patterns and traits at the age of three were irrelevant at the time; it was what she showed passionate interest in that we encouraged her in. Her passions and desires were the things we sought to provide opportunities for her to fulfill and express herself. Rachel was naturally interested in being around others and she had to know everything going on in their lives. It was important to her and we made it important to us. We accomplished this by the actions we took, not by sitting by and ignoring her, but by actively providing the context in which she could grow. In other words, we engaged in her life. When Rachel asked us questions we answered them, when she wanted to be with other kids we did our best to make that happen, if she needed to talk to us we engaged her in conversation.

Please do not get the idea we were perfect or even ideal in our approach. We did not have a complete understanding of what was going on and still do not. But we did have the ability to see and encourage her in the things in which she had a passion. It was not important to know where these passions and desires were leading, just that we supported her the best we could. The design God made Rachel with did the rest; we just provided good soil in which she could grow. And now as an adult we can see what was going on. Rachel is currently pursuing a degree in Psychology and will at some point help people improve and enjoy their lives. Because of her built-in design, Rachel will do all she can to see others happy.

The Passions Worksheet.

The passion worksheet exercise consists of a questioning strategy designed to help you understand what a persons passions are. When you have discovered what their passions are, you will be in a position to start empowering those passions with opportunities to develop.

            The exercise is divided up into three questions.

·        What are the child’s favorite activities, or what does he or she enjoy doing the most?

·        What do they feel, or what are the feelings they experience when doing this activity?

·        What is it they do in the activity that they enjoy the most?

Write the activities down in columns across a piece of paper and under each activity list what they feel when they are doing the activity. Then draw a line under the last feeling and list the things they do in the activity. You should be able to accumulate six to eight activities with three or four feelings and three or four things they do in the activity. The things they do, the activities, and the feelings are all indicators of what the person’s passions are. The more important ones will show up often in the exercise. Just count up the number of times a word shows up in the exercise, these are key to understanding a person’s passions. Although this is not an exacting exercise, you can further understand your findings by talking to your child about the worksheet, which will add to your understanding of their passions and desires.

As a child develops their personal strengths they are empowered by their passions. As they develop their passions they will become known for what they can do well by their peers, which in turn helps them to develop personal significance.

Mike Jr. was well known for his abilities on a skateboard and playing guitar; James for his abilities on the soccer field and on the track; Jason for his ability to play drums and fly airplanes, and Rachel for her unique abilities with children and her social skills. Each had passions which they developed skills in. In turn these skills helped give them personal significance.

Engage Your Child.

            A child with engaging parents grows up differently than children who do not have parents actively engaged in their lives. As they enter their teen years they enjoy conversations with adults, their peers admire them because they have special talents they are known for. They are active because they are motivated by their passions to be thoroughly engaged in the activities, which fulfill their passions and allow them to exercise their talents and abilities. They are less likely to be in trouble with other kids and more likely to engage other influential adults.

            Motivation to achieve is built into a child who is pursuing their passions, they are content to pursue the activities they love and bring them attention and or significance among their peers. And most important, it will help keep them out of inappropriate activities.

Faith, Family and Future.

Biblical faith is about believing God for what he has revealed in His word, in the creation, and through the Holy Spirit (1Peter 1:6-9). As we trust someone bigger than ourselves our faith will bring with it salvation of our souls and the promise of a future so glorious it is beyond our ability to fully comprehend.

Children with faith know there is something in life bigger than them, they love, and have assurance of their hopes and dreams to see them through the difficulties in life. Children who regularly attend church and are spending time with their peers at church will be better equipped to handle what the world throws at them.

Spending time together as a family reinforces our testimony of Christ in our lives. As we nurture our children in love just as we are nurtured through the Word of God it gives us high-octane fuel to bring our children closer to the Lord. The measure of a good family life is not how new and how many cars we have; it is the quality of the relationships in our own home, the relationship you have with each other and the relationship you and your children have with the God of the universe. Be careful not to measure your success as a family by what you see on television or in magazines. Measure it by the amount of peace, the amount of joy each member has and the grace each of you give one another. These measurements are spiritual measurements, the world cannot give you this kind of standard, it is a standard born of God and not of this world, one you can live with.

I often think of what my reflections on life will be as I draw nearer to death. Will I consider I have ran the race well? Or will I have regrets about how I spent my most valuable asset; time. I cannot see with clarity the answer to these questions yet, but one thing I do know, the things Theresa and I have accumulated and our career achievements will not mean much. The true test of a life well lived will have more to do with how we poured ourselves into our relationship with God, our spouse, family and friends. Teach your children to give of themselves; service to others brings true happiness.

Observation in Younger Years and Testing Teens.

Identify your child’s talents, personality traits and leadership style through observation in their younger years and through testing in their teens. Focus on their strengths, not weaknesses. Watch for areas in their lives where they achieve at high levels and provide them opportunities to grow in these areas. This is not to say you should ignore problem areas where you see character flaws, on the contrary, teach them the difference between right and wrong, but remember to temper discipline with love and high-octane guidance.

When they are young guide them by spotting their traits and through observation, watching them and communicating with them to find out their passions and in turn utilizing what you learn to encourage them. This form of engagement in their lives will motivate them to succeed in their passions.

As they grow into teenagers you can administer the three tests and the passion worksheet to find out how they are designed. Not everything you learn will be a surprise, but much of what you learn by reading the profile results will assist you in guiding your children into college and career through their adult years.

Engage Your Child.

Over the years Theresa and I have not only observed our children, we have engaged them at all levels of their lives. Having conversations with them about their day and figuring out what is exciting their hearts. It is not always easy to get them to talk, but with practice you can break through the outer shell with enough of the right kinds of questions.

Another form of engagement is consistent attendance of activities in which they are involved. In the early years it might mean bike rides together or board games. As they grow older it might mean getting into their hobbies, or interests at school. Whatever activities your child is involved in, you can find ways to be a part of the activity. It is this engaging style that will bring you closer to who they are as a person and communicate to them you are their for them.

Beware of the World’s Definition of Success and Failure.

Measuring success in parenting is a dangerous road to go down.  It assumes we understand enough about parenting to effectively identify the methods, and results of a successful parent. Mountains of books on how to raise children give excellent advise, but there is a large gap between what parents should do and what they are capable of.   Using results as a standard in determining whether parents have been successful is next to impossible and is unfair to both the parents and the child. 

            Raising high-octane kids is about exploiting opportunities for success, and aiming our kids in the right direction.  It does not replace disciplining techniques, but supplements them.  Therefore, measuring whether or not you are being successful is all about measuring what you have done, the outcome of your efforts are in God’s capable hands.

Knowledge, Understanding and Wisdom.

The book of Proverbs is packed with admonitions that urge us to get knowledge. Here are just a few of the verses that point out how important it is for us to acquire knowledge.

• Proverbs 8:10 “Take my instruction, and not silver, And knowledge rather than choicest gold.”
• Proverbs 10:14 “Wise men store up knowledge, But with the mouth of the foolish, ruin is at hand.”
• Proverbs 18:15 “The mind of the prudent acquires knowledge, And the ear of the wise seeks knowledge.”
• Proverbs 20:15 “There is gold, and an abundance of jewels; But the lips of knowledge are a more precious thing.”
• Proverbs 23:23 “Buy truth, and do not sell it, Get wisdom and instruction and understanding.”

            If this is true then how is it that we measure whether or not we are being successful at helping them acquire knowledge.  The answer is in evaluating whether or not you are exposing them to things that can help them acquire knowledge, not by judging whether or not they are acquiring it.  There is a big difference in the two, one is your parental responsibility and the other is God’s.  As a parent you can expose them to all sorts of information, activities and experiences, but you cannot force all of it to stick, trying to do so will only bring anxiety and guilt.  What you can measure is what you are doing.  Here is a helpful list, use it to build your own list of things you can do to help your child acquire knowledge.

1.      Are you making sure you child is in school, ready to learn, with enough rest and nourishment to sustain them through the day? 

2.      Is the schooling your child receiving the best you can offer? Home schooling is by far the best source of education for children, but you must have the self discipline, and time if you choose to home school. There are excellent Christian schools, but they can be expensive. There are also charter schools in some areas that offer help to parents that want to home school, but need help a couple days a week. 

3.      Are you engaging them in all areas of life, at home, at school, in hobbies, at the soccer field? If you will engage your child from an early age they will not surprise you as they mature into adults. Through interactive dialog and participation in their lives you will be intimately familiar with their passions and in turn will be equipped to empower them with opportunities to grow.

4.      Are you spending time as a family doing family things? Is dinner a family event? Do you spend time talking as a family and laughing together?

5.      Are you pursuing activities, which your child excels at? Ask them questions about what they are doing, it will let them know you are interested in their lives and give you valuable insights as to what it is they love about what they are doing.

Encouragement for the Weary.

            You may feel overwhelmed by the content of this book. There is definitely a lot to parenting in our day. Left to chance children can and will succeed, but chance is a dreadful taskmaster and the outcome might not be optimal for the child or you. Parenting is a journey plagued with troubles at every turn, unforeseen landmines lurk at every crossroad, but parenting is a rewarding venture, especially when we are truly engaged as parents. This book is meant to give you high-octane fuel, a booster, which will help you perform better as a parent and give your children an advantage in life.

Think back about what life might have been like if you would have known more about your own design. Think about the advantages you are giving your children as you engage them with high-octane fuel. Theirs will be a life given more opportunity for success and in turn happiness and stability.

In thirty-four years of marriage and having raised four successful children, Theresa and I have seen what does and does not work. Most of what we know as parents we have gleaned from books, lectures, and experiences provided by others. It is our hope that the ideas and techniques in this book will be profitable in your journey as a parent. May knowledge of the Holy One be yours as you journey this exciting life, and especially as you reap the rewards of parenting the high-octane way.

List things you notice about your children, which are unique to them. How do they relate to their passions?